“You desire truth in the inward being; therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart… Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me” (NRSV).

I find myself often in a pattern of sin–confess–repent. It can be a savage cycle. I do not want to do the sins I keep struggling with, and yet, I find myself doing them again and again. And, again and again, I keep confessing them to the Lord. I find myself asking “why?” Why do I keep doing these things that I do not want to do? Why can’t I stop?

I have come to realize the “why” question is wrong question to ask. Perhaps the better questions to ask are: “What is genuine repentance?”; and “How do I live it out?” I believe the sin–confess–repent cycle happens due to a lack of understanding of what true repentance is and how it takes root in our hearts and lives. You see, repentance is not just a confession or admission of wrongs. It is not just asking for forgiveness; rather, it is a transformative change in how you live and think. Repentance is a lifestyle, and it starts with your heart.

The truth I had to face was that there was some small part of me that still loved my sin. If I hold even a hint of love for my sin, I will not be able to live out repentance. I will keep coming back to my folly. It is far too easy to deceive ourselves. For a long time, I deceived myself by denying I still loved my sin. I knew my sin was wrong, and I knew I did not want to participate in it. I tried focusing on correcting my behavior; however, I never truly grieved my sin. To grieve something, it must first die. So, how do we kill sin?  

In my own struggle with sin, I found myself deflecting responsibility, rather than owning my actions. If my co-worker hadn’t lied; or if that guy didn’t cut me off in traffic; or my wife didn’t walk out; or if God didn’t let this happen, then… But, deflecting responsibility is a dangerous road to travel. Yes, it is true that someone else’s choices will affect you. You may have to live in the wake of the consequences of someone else’s sinful decisions. However, the deeper truth is, only you are responsible for how you respond. Learning how to respond is what I think the psalmist is referring to when he says to God, “…  teach me wisdom in my secret heart,” and “…put a new and right spirit within me.” Responding in wisdom first means taking a hard look at the truth.

God desires truth in our inward being. My sin is always my fault. Yes, there may have been circumstances or situations with other people that led me into making a pour decision, but ultimately, the decision was mine and mine alone. It comes easy for us to justify our actions and make excuses for our sin. We must be careful, because this type of denial is always the trap of pride and once it has you in it is snare, it is exceedingly difficult to escape. King David made excuses for his sins, allowing pride to take him down a very steep and dangerous road, as one sin led to another, until not only had he committed adultery, but he also plotted and schemed a cover up, lied, murdered, and involved other innocent people in his sin. Pride kept him in denial. Pride’s denial deceived him, allowing him to go further into sin and preventing him from seeing that he had done anything wrong. That is, until he was confronted with the truth.

When presented with the truth, King David could have responded with pride, but instead he responded with wisdom. Wisdom came in the form of humility and repentance. He didn’t make an excuse; instead, he cried out, “For I recognize my rebellion; it haunts me day and night. Against You, and You alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in Your sight” (Psalm 51:3-4 NLT). Are you able to respond like King David? When confronted with the truth about your sins, can you honestly and humbly say, “I have done what is evil in your sight.” Will you recognize your sin, your rebellion, or will you make excuse for it? Unfortunately, it took the weight of my sin, which completely crushed and destroyed my world and my life, before I could respond with wisdom. It took me losing everything, before I could say to God, “I see my sin and now I realize the evil I have done.” God desires honesty. Admitting your sin and owning it is first step to killing it.

However, we must take things a step further. To stop loving our sins, and truly come to a place of grieving over our sin, we must allow the truth to transform our hearts and minds. Continuing with his song of repentance, King David declared, “Create in me a clean heart, God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me” (Psalm 51:10 NASB). I love how the NASB includes the word “steadfast.” Steadfast means:  to do something resolutely; stubbornly; or with dutifully firm and unwavering determination. Kind David is not just declaring to God his desire to be unwavering in his repentance, he is asking God to be persistently steadfast in His redeeming actions of grace towards him.  

In Romans Chapter 12, the Apostle Paul illustrates the process of steadfast renewal when he said, “Dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect” (Romans 12:1-12 NLT). Easy, right? Paul’s instructions on how to be made into a new person involves changing the way we think. We do this by submitting everything to God and completely surrendering ourselves to Him, allowing God’s thoughts to rule the way we act.

To be a living sacrifice – to live a surrendered life – is how we truly worship God. It is in this act of worship that God begins to transform and renew our mind. It is in this vulnerable posture of abandon,  bent in submission with our hands raised in joyful expectation, that the posture of our heart begins shift towards God’s heart. In the delicate aligning of my heart with God’s, He will use the truth – His word, His presence, and His purpose – to reshape my mind and heart.  

What comes with this transformative reshaping is genuine Godly sorrow over my sin. My love for my sin will change into mourning. This grieving of my sin, while painful, is the work of God’s grace in my life. It is the presence of God’s Holy Spirit, transforming my mind and my heart and bearing fruit in my life.

To truly grieve your sin is to no longer love it. You are seeing it for what it is – evil – and you are choosing to no longer tolerate it. To kill sin and live a lifestyle of repentance, we must remember to: take full responsibility for our sins; to completely surrender ourselves to God’s grace; and to sincerely grieve the sin. “The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God” (Psalm 51:17 NLT).

The most beautiful part, however, is that when we allow the Holy Spirit to bring about the genuine grieving of our sins, He will begin to change our mourning into dancing. “Restore to me the joy of your salvation…then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness. Unseal my lips, O Lord, that my mouth may praise you” (Psalm 51:12-15 NLT).